Deschooling Ourselves

Deschooling Ourselves

Most of us have been schooled, primed in our thoughts to support the methodologies used on us as children.Even if we didn’t attend school, chances are the mentality of our culture was ingrained upon us, a mentality that insists on a linear and coercive means of raising children. It’s the idea that things “should” be done in a particular way and that deviation from that ideal will result in ignorant, unintelligent, unruly or undisciplined children and adults.

Schooling and the limited mentality of it that has permeated our culture has taught us that children must be made to learn, that people don’t know what’s best for them and that certain things are not of value (or equal value).

Unschooling says that children (and adults) have a natural desire to learn, that every person knows what is best for them and has the ability to grow in that knowledge, and that everything we love is of value.

So, how do you get from a schooled mentality to an unschooled mentality?

Deschooling ourselves.

Adults usually have much more deschooling to do than their kids. After several decades entrenched in a limited viewpoint, it can take a lot of time and effort to begin to see the world in a new way. This viewpoint is made harder to change by the fact that it not only affects our ideas of education, but also of parenting, career choice, lifestyle and even our view of our self.

To trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves…and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted. – John Holt

It’s a process, not a light switch. There will be plenty of leaps and ah-ha moments but most of the change will not happen within seconds or days. And some of it may take months and even years.

The Process of Deschooling Ourselves

Deschooling ourselves is a process. There is no formula for shifting our thoughts and ideas overnight. Making radical changes to our lifestyle is an internal journey that takes some time.

I’ve already outlined a few way we can help our children deschool. Here are a few things that may help you, as the parent, as well:

• Be Gentle With Yourself: Few people are gentle with themselves or others. But you simply cannot give what you do not have. Don’t dwell on parenting mistakes, don’t knock yourself down with disparaging words and don’t be afraid to admit your short-comings and ask for forgiveness (both of your children and yourself). You’re about to embark on a pretty amazing and inspiring journey, one where challenges and mistakes are going to be unavoidable. Be easy on yourself.
• Start Within Yourself: It’s impossible to deschool yourself without bringing up your own past and how it has shaped your present self. Digging into these things can be difficult, uncomfortable or seemingly pointless. But it’s important to know what worked for you and what didn’t and why. It’s important to identify the origin of those stories that replay themselves through your mind every time your child is doing something you find disturbing. You simply cannot make radical changes to your lifestyle without first understanding it.
• Find The Value: In every passion or activity there is value. Playing a video game increases critical thinking skills, playing in the dirt includes biology, and riding a bike is just plain fun. (Have we forgotten the value of having fun?) It’s not our jobs as parents to assign a value to every activity, just to acknowledge there is value in it for our child. Identifying the value in playing dolls (interpersonal relationships) or building with blocks (architecture) can help us to eventually relax with the knowledge that learning is happening and that it will undoubtedly lead to more learning.
• Read, Read, Read: Feed your mind with ideas. New ideas, old ideas, controversial ideas. Natural parenting books, unschooling books, alternative education books, audio books. Websites, newsletters, forums, online groups, blogs. Surrounding yourself with these things is a lot like playing dot-to-dot in your mind. The ideas will continue to connect and form, you’ll be challenged and inspired and you’ll learn. You’ll learn about learning styles, personality types and love languages. You’ll learn about creative problem solving, consensual living ideas and radical new ways of doing the ordinary. Most of all you’ll learn about yourself.
• Get Connected: Local support groups are not just important for deschooling our children. The support of other parents is crucial for ourselves too, especially when unschooling and mindful parenting can be seen with critical eyes. We need people who understand where we are and where we want to be, people who will lend us an ear or a shoulder or brainstorm ways to make things happen. We need friends. Whether it’s an established attachment parenting or unschooling group or a group you start yourself, local support makes all the difference.
• Embrace Your Own Unschooling: Embracing unschooling for ourselves is a topic often overlooked. But how can our children learn to live a passion-filled life if they feel being an adult is still full of obligation or drudgery? Unschool yourself! Feed your own interests, have fun, ask questions and make a passionate life a family pursuit.

Again, remember that deschooling ourselves is a process. It can take months, or more likely, years. Just when you think you’ve hit upon an awesome stride some old story may start whispering in your ear again, leading you to a whole new level of self-discovery and family growth and connection.

It’s a process, but it’s an amazing one. Enjoy it!

Tara Wagner is a mother, partner, photographer, writer and unschooling coach. She offers phone coaching for parents interested in moving towards unschooling and mindful parenting. She and her family travel the country full-time, working and learning independently and living a passionate, authentic life. She blogs at http://theorganicsister.com. You can see her unschooling products here.